I’d like to contest this one.
You can’t always get
What you want, but if you try
Ok, like, you know how, like, on TV, you can like totally, watch stuff? Okay, so when you have, like this girl, right? and this girl is so totally in love with this guy, but OHMYGOD, he’s this vampire, and super old but totally hot anyway, and she like, doesn’t know, and he has this totally hot evil brother that is all like, mean and stuff? Like, seriously, it’s sooooo like how my friend Becky would see this guy and just go all, you know, crazy cuz he was soooo cute, but deep too, you know? You can tell he’s totally in touch with his emotions cuz he likes old books!
Yup. That’s pretty much The Vampire Diaries. Granted there’s a bit more to it than that, but in a nutshell, that’s about it.
You see, TV execs are not exactly the most creative creatures, by and large. While they are willing to take risks from time to time on interesting concepts, they also like to have a few “sure things” in their back pocket to make up for lost revenue. To that end, the guys running the CW had the following thought process:
1) Twilight is like, super popular.
2) We should totally make a Twilight TV show!
3) Bummer… Twilight would be too expensive to get the rights to.
4) Hey look! A crappy tween book series from the 90’s that is almost exactly like Twilight (to be fair, one should say that Twilight is almost exactly like it, but I digress) and would be super cheap!
5) Monay monay monay monay!!!
So the result is that the TV audience gets Twi(lite). Get it? Twilight, but lite? Shut up, you try and be punny! Go on, I dare you!
At any rate, we have this random girl, who’s kinda cute I guess, in that “I’m really hopeless” sort of way. And she has family problems. You know this because her parents dies like, 6 months ago. This of course, is mentioned at least 13 times in an episode:
Hopeless Girl: “Hi. Um, I guess I’ll have a double double and a muffin. Not a cranberry muffin though, cuz that’s what I was eating when my parents died.”
Some Guy: “Hey look, it’s that girl whose parents dies.” – And this is all we see of that character. His one contribution was to remind us that this girl has no parents.
Batman: “Hey! Guess what we have in common!”
So, her and her brother are living with their aunt. Well, they call this woman “aunt”, even though they are clearly the same age. Oh, and her brother does drugs or something. Not that it matters really, since any storyline that doesn’t have anything to do with dreamy vampires is so, like, filler.
So it’s time for this girl and her brother to go to school again. By this point you may have realised that I don’t know any of their names. Trust me, they aren’t important. Like I was saying, they go to school, the audience is reminded that their parents died several times, and like, life is hard. Turns out there’s this new guy in school, and he is so damn SQUEE it just ain’t funny. He’s brooding and mysterious and dark, and in his thirties, and deep, AND OBVIOUSLY EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN FROM TWILIGHT! They didn’t even try to make it seem that maybe he isn’t supposed to be the same character. He looks like Edward Fucking Cullen, talks like Edward Fucking Cullen, acts like Edward Fucking Cullen, and I bet smells like Edward Fucking Cullen. I mean, I understand that Twilight is popular, but at least make an effort to hide that you are trying to cash in on it. And Christ, if you plan on dumping in something directly from another story, pick something a little less retarded than Edward Fucking Cullen…
At this point, this girl (Bella Fucking Whateverherlastnameis) and this vampire (Edward Fucking Cullen) are now in love or something. I’m not really sure. All I know is that she has to be an idiot of the highest order not to realise that there is something seriously fucked up about this guy. He disappears at the end of EVERY conversation. It doesn’t matter where they are, what they’re doing, or if there is even any logical way for him to vanish. He’ll say something, she’ll turn her head for half a second, turn back to retort, and he’s gone! Every time. They could be on the damn moon, not a thing around, she’ll turn around and he’s gone. And she doesn’t think anything of it!
Oh, and while we’re at it, this dude is supposed to be a Vampire. Thus far, this seems to consist of:
He might be strong?
He can turn into a crow. (did the animal handler not have any bats?)
He has a magic ring that lets him stay in sunlight.
Yes. you read that right. He has a magic ring. Let’s him go out into sunlight. It’s almost like that when the author first wrote this stuff, her editor was like:
“Um, so he goes to school?”
“In the day?”
“Don’t um, and feel free to correct me here, don’t vampires, you know, die in sunlight?”
“Uh… well… obviously… yeah… but he, uh… has this… um… oh, magic ring! Yeah, that’s it!”
So yeah. This Edward Fucking Cullen reject can go out into the day. But… so can his evil brother Darwde Gnikcuf Nelluc! Cuz he also has a magic ring! And he’s evil! And like, kills people! And wants to make Edward Fucking Cullen’s life a living hell! And is honestly, about the only thing on this show thatis even remotely interesting!
Now it looks like there’s going to be some sort of love triangle between Bella, Edward Fucking Cullen, and Edward Fucking Cullen’s evil brother. Oh my!
Honestly, that’s about it as far as I can tell. There are a bunch of other sub plots, but those properly won’t matter, since they involve no amount of SQUEE. For example, Bella’s best friend is this black girl who thinks she’s psychic. That’s about it, as it seems her entire existence is based around being Bella’s friend, which is kind of sad. If I were the actress playing this role, I would keep my eye open on the job listings, because I have a feeling that her character is about to go the way of the youngest daughter on Family Matters (remember her?).
So, what have we learned? TV execs are lazy. Relatively obscure books from the 90’s are cheap. Twilight still sucks ass. The Vampire Diaries, while essentially a Twilight clone (yes yes,I know it came first) kinda blows as well, but oddly enough doesn’t blow as much.
The Head gives The Vampire Diaries 2.5 “SQUEE! EDWARD, HAVE MY BABIES!” out of 5.
You’ve seen them. They’re the guys wearing two polo shirts with both collars popped, have ridiculously coiffed hair, love to show off their “guns”, and in general think that they are the king of the world. Yes my friends, The Head is talking about the mysterious creature known as the Douchebag
The Douchebag is a strange animal to comprehend. They clearly look absolutely ridiculous, act like punks, and are complete assholes, but somehow they are considered to be “cool”. Granted, the Douchebag has existed in one incarnation or another since man evolved from the time traveling space goats that crash landed on earth all those centuries ago, but these days the current incarnation of the Douchebag seems to have taken the art of Douchebaggery to a whole new level.
So as a public service, I will attempt to help you identify the horrific creature known as the Douchebag. Be warned though, these ‘Bros’ and ‘Brahs’ come in all shapes and sizes, and can be difficult to spot at first glance. Luckily there are a few tell tale signs to help you immediately know that the moron in front of you is actually a Douchebag.
The Douche Hair: This one is easy to spot. As a general rule, Douchebags want their hair to look as absolutely ridiculous as humanly possible. Bigger is usually better, unless they decide to get clever and shave funny little designs to look deep. More often than not, the hair goes “up”, especially right in front. Having stupid looking hair is an easy way to crave attention, and The Douchebag will do anything (up to and including painting their phone number onto the side of cows) for attention. Here is an example of Douchebag hair in action:
The Douche Muscles: Douchebags love to show off their muscles. And why not, they work hard to get them. Of course, they will do this at. every. possible. occasion. More often than not they wear shirts that are easy to get off and oil themselves up before going out in order to be able to get that topless as fast as possible. And what situations warrant the removal of the shirt? Well, here is a small sample:
A side effect of the Douche Muscles has been the evolution of the Douche Shirt. Buying and wearing a shirt of appropriate size is of no fun to the Douchebag. Oh no. They need to buy something at least two sizes smaller than what they should. Ideally they buy this in the little girl’s section at whatever posh store they shop at.
And here we have an example of this situation happening in nature, along with an example of the Douche Shirt in action:
The Douche Lips: Douchebags love to have their picture taken. THEY LOVE IT! It validates their entire existence to have their amazing awesomeness of awesomazing permanently captured for all time. It’s great because they can show off their super hair and their rippling muscles (that shirt flies off whenever they even smell a camera). The key thing though, for a proper Douchebag, is to get their lips juuuuust right. Here they have a choice. Either go for the Non Smiling Sneer, or the Pursed and Puckered lips. The Non Smiling Sneer clearly shows how incredibly bad ass they are, and that they would totally kick your ass, but like, they’d mess up their hair or something. The Pursed and Puckered Lips evolved from Douchebags loving the movie Zoolander, but failing to grasp that it was a satirical comedy. So, they pucker those bad boys for everything they’ve got. Rumours persist that one time a Douchebag puckered his lips so perfectly that a sparrow landed on it and immediately died out of awesome.
Here are two examples of the Douche Lips in action:
The Douche Tan: This one is a tricky one, because it isn’t a constant. Not all Douchebags have the Douche tan. However, it is popular in warmer areas, and a good indicator that what you are dealing with is in fact, grade A Douche. The idea here is that a regular tan just won’t do. Oh no, a regular tan doesn’t demand attention. The Douchebag wants all eyes on him, so he has to pump that tan up 134%. The result is a perfect tan. The result is a glow that makes everyone in a 2 mile radius look on in awe. The result is the pinnacle of modern tanning science. The result is… orange. The Douchebag becomes one with the tan, to the point that his Brahs and Broskies have no choice but to be humbled by the baked perfection that is his skin.
Here is the Douche Tan, in all it’s deliciously orange glory:
The Douche Tat: Douchebags love tattoos. Not as a method of self expression or art, but rather as an example of “Brah, look at my sweet tat! Braaaaah!” Douchebag tattoos come in two categories: 1) Meaningless tribal shit. 2) A Star.
Yes, a scientific study performed by NASA scientists at Science is GreatUniversity has developed a formula that proves that a full 103% of Douchebags will, at one point, get a star tattoo. The majority will get it on their arm into order to show off the guns, some will get it on their stomach to show off their abs, while the rest will get it around their Douche Dick… cuz… you know… Chicks like stars, bro!
Here is a prime example of the Douchebag pulling off the Douche Tat. Note how he emphasizes it in this picture, as if to say, “Originality, thy name is Douche!”:
The Douche Pack: My final tip to recognizing a Douchebag is to identify the Douche Pack. You see, a Douchebag just isn’t happy unless other people are there to appreciate his Douchebaggery. Since there are only two types of people that can stomach a Douchebag; other Douchebags and really drunk girls; the Douchebag will almost always be found in a Douche Pack. This pack of Bros will talk emphatically with their hands, usually make rude comments to passing girls (often involving pulvic thrust motions) and in general egg each other on with bigger and bigger Douchy acts.
Now, there is almost always an Alpha Douche. This Douchebag will get first crack at the hottest of the drunk girls, be the first one to crack open a Douche Beer, and always has first crack at mocking other people. The Alpha Douche will generally also be the first to remove his Douche Shirt, which according to the ancient laws of the Douche Pack, means that the rest of the pack must immediately follow suit. The Alpha Douche also can then grab the arm muscle of any of his Douche Pack, or run his hand down their abs of steel in appreciation, and it totally isn’t gay, a’ight?!?
Here we can see the Douche Pack in action. Notice the one with his thumb up? That, in Douche Bag lingo, indicates that everything is “Brah-tastic”:
At any rate, I hope that this will prove to be an invaluable tool in helping you all identify the Douchebags in the world around you. Remember, a Douchebag may act tough, but ultimately is about the pussyiest thing ever. In a fight scenario, you are guaranteed that the Douche Bag will slap his own chest at least 21 times before he’s ready to throw down. Use that opportunity to punch. 1 punch will usually do. Or walk away in disgust. Either way.
I’d like to thank the ever amusing site: http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com for having these images, and helping bring the Douchiest of Bags out to the light of day.
I once saw a bird
Tom Selleck has a mustache
The world is at peace
One of The Head’s biggest pet peeves is people acting like entitled douchebags that think the world revolves around them, and everyone else be damned. This is often evident in parking lots where people will park however the fuck they want, disrespecting everyone else in the process.
To that end, take a look at this site, and boil in rage at some of the douchiest parkers of all!