Election Day!!! (aka black dude becomes President day)

Hey kids,

Now, The Head has had a recent tirade or two in regards to the futility of voting.  And The Head firmly stands by that, and considers voting to not only be a waste of time, but counter productive.  Now here’s the qualifier: IN CANADA!

Americans today have the opportunity to choose their new leader (Obama), and *SHOULD* absolutely exercise their right to vote (for Obama).  The American political system has many flaws, but at least they can say that each and every one of their votes DOES matter.  Americans have the opportunity to decide not only the fate of their country, but the whole world, when they vote for Barack Obama.

So Americanos, please take the opportunity to express yourself politically.  Vote.

For Barack Obama.  Not John McCain.  He’s kind of scary.  And Sarah Palin, while kind of MILFy, is fucking shit faced crazy.  Seriously.  Oh, and something something about Prop 8.  Can’t remember which side I’m with on that one though.  Yes?  No?  Damn…  By the way, have you noticed how similar Barack Obama’s voice is to The Rock?  They seriously sound alike.  But I digress…

The Folly of Canadian Poltics (wow… that sounds fucking boring, doesn’t it?)

To start with, this past Tuesday, October 14th, was election day in Canada.  And by election day in Canada, I mean…

THE BIGGEST WASTE OF TIME EVER!!!

Sorry.  Here’s the thing.  People go on and on saying that you “have” to vote, that it’s your “duty”, that if you do not vote “you have no right to complain”.  Horseshit.  It’s a tired line that has no practical meaning today.  Yes, I went out and voted, but I really wish I didn’t.  Why?  It was a waste of my time.  For the third election in a row (coming in at every year and a half or so) we have another minority government.  What does this mean?  It means another election in a year and a half, and a whole lot of political bickering where nothing gets down and blame gets tossed around like an easy chick with poor self esteem.

You see, here in Canada (previously known as the Dominion of Canada, which is so much cooler as it sounds evil and ominous), we elect our government based on the British parliamentary system.  The problem here is that it is not ideal for a country that is about 4234 times larger than Great Britain, and has a much more diverse population.  In essence, we divide the country into “ridings”, pretty much based on population, and we vote in a representative for each riding.  There are a total of 308 ridings.  Each political party tries to win as many ridings as possible, with the party wining the most ridings forming the government.

Now, when a party forms a government, it can form a minority or majority government.  A majority requires that the party wins at least 155 of the ridings.  This way they have over half the ridings, and cannot be voted down by the other parties.  However, what we have in Canada right now is a minority government, with the party in power having less than 155 seats.  You see, now the other parties can, if they want to, oppose any legislation that the government wants to pass.

What does this mean?  It means sweet fuck all gets done.

Now, it gets all the odder as Canada is politically divided depending on the region of the country.  This creates a party like the Bloc Quebecois.  It is a party that runs solely in the province of Quebec, and for all intents and purposes, it’s goal is the seperation of Quebec from Canada.  Nationally, it received a little less than 10% of the vote.  However, it has 50 seats out of the 308.  Compare that to the NDP (New Democratic Party), which won a little over 18% of the vote, but only has 37 seats out of the 308.

Therein lies the problem.  We do not have anything near a system that adequately handles porportionate voting.  For example, I voted for the NDP.  However, in my riding, it was a pointless waste.  The NDP had zero chance of winning in my riding.  I essentially threw my vote away.  For all political (not financial) purposes, my vote would have had the same impact if I had written “Donkey Donkey Donkey” down.

For fun, let’s look at the election results, party by party (I’m sorry to any Americans reading, as this is going to be a boring rant):

Conservatives: 143 seats, 38% of the popular vote

Liberals: 76 seats, 26% of the popular vote

Bloc Quebecois: 50 seats, 10% of the popular vote

NDP: 37 seats. 18% of the popular vote

Green Party: 0 seats, 7% of the popular vote

Notice the problem?  Now, while I think the Green Party is a bit of a joke, 7% of the population of Canada does not.  Yet, they do not have a single seat.  The Bloc Quebecois, having only 3% greater support nationwide, have 50 seats.  7% of Canada wasted their votes.

Let’s suppose that the popular vote was what mattered.  How would things have changed (Give or take numbers rounding)?

Conservatives: 117 seats

Liberals: 80 seats

Bloc Quebecois: 31 seats

NDP: 55 seats

Green Party: 21 seats

This is a massive difference.  This way, peoples votes are not wasted.  The Conservatives would still be in power, albeit not with the lead they have now.  The Bloc Quebecois would have a level of power more in line with their national support.  The NDP would actually have a representation equal to their voter base.  And the Green Party would actually have a voice.

I admit that it’s far from a perfect system, but it would at least make each and every person’s vote count.  Instead of having my vote washed away because the canadiate in my riding I voted for was trounced, my vote would be part of the national total, meaning that it very much matters.  The participation in this election was one of the lowest in recent history.  Something in the area of 60% of eligible voters went out and voted.  I think a lot of it has to do with people thinking that their vote simply didn’t matter.  And the sad fact is that in a lot of cases, it really didn’t.

So here’s my take.  Until things change, I won’t be voting.  The system is horribly flawed, and is in desperate need of an overhaul.  At the bear minimum we need:

• At least 4 years between elections
• Every vote needs to matter

And to those who would say that I have to vote, and that I am wrong not to, I retort with: No, you are wrong.  You are supporting a system that is outdated, flawed and not representative with the will of the country.  It’s time to look elsewhere, other than the Bristish Westminster system.  Look over at the Riksdag in Sweden or the Eduskunta in Finland for at least the start of a parliamentary system that offers porportionate voting.

It’s election season!

Hi all!  Once again it is election season, for both Canadians and Americans.  I’m sure the whole world has been at least semi following the American presidential coverage, but I ask you, how many non-Canadians know that we here in Canada are gearing up for a Federal election?

The reason?  Canadian politics are as boring as a banana cream pie.  You sit there, wishing you had apple, cherry or even coconut, but at the end of the day, all you have is banana cream.

So I present to you…

The Head’s Top Ten Reasons Why the American Election is More Interesting Than the Canadian:

10) It’s been going on for over a year now!  In Canada it’s over in a month, but damn, you guys know how to milk them donkeys and elephants for all it’s worth!

9) The fact that… Holy shit!  A coloured dude!

8] Celebrity endorsements.  American celebs like George Clooney, Barbara Streisand, Oprah Winfrey and Jon Voight all chime in.  Canadian celebrity endorsements consist of Bob and Doug McKenzie getting drunk on stage while the politicians look on uncomfortably.

7) Vice President MILF.  Okay, so she seems to be as nutty as a fucking loon, but having VPilf in da hizhouse would make for a bitchin White House party.  Have her pole dance for the president of Russia, and things would smooth right over.

6) Stephen Colbert cares about your election.  That makes it funny.  Why?  Because Stephen Colbert actually sweats funny.

5) Americans are almost guaranteed a winner (2000 not withstanding).  Either Grand Master Obama or Chucky D McCain is gonna win.  In Canada we have 4 different candidates to work with, and are probably going to end up with a minority government.  What does that mean you ask?  It means we have elections every year for the rest of our lives.

4) American Presidential candidates are all very historic.  Look at who you have running!  The first potential black president, and the guy that invented the Blackberry (I guess he drove up to Canada to invent it).  You have the Terminator for a governor, a crazed gunman as the current Veep, and a former Miss Alaska running to be the new Veep.  Canada?  Middle Aged white men.  Lots of em.

3) For a second, a split second, I actually thought we could have had Vice President Samuel L. Jackson.  Why is it so hard to believe?  He’s been in *every* movie since the invention of silent film.  How awesome would it be to hear “We got to get these mother fucking tourists out of the mother fucking White House!”

2) We *almost* had Hilary!  Now don’t get me wrong, I think she’s an irritating shrew.  However, we coulda had Bill back in the White House, and think of the wacky shenanigans he could have pulled!  In Canada, a crazy day in politics is when one of our more radical representatives cuts the crust off his peanut butter sammich.

1) The sheer posibility that if Barack Obama wins, he’ll turn to the camera and say: “Awww shit, you fuckin’ crackers are in for it now!” And then Snoop Dogg shows up drinking from his golden chalice, and big booty dancers flood the screen, as the presidential envoy, complete with low rider limo, gets ready for a night of “biznitches”.

A Quick Poll: Was The Head Wrong???

I’ll run down a story real quick, and I want to know if I was in the wrong or not.  I’ve gotten conflicting reports here at work…

So, about a week or so ago, I drop the wife of at work.  I have a little time to kill before heading to work, so I grab a coffee and sit in the car, which is parked on the street.

Between me and the car in front of me is roughly 2 car lengths worth of space.  AKA, a ton of fucking room.

So I am sitting there, humming along with whatever was on the radio (probably that delightful Miley Cyrus), when a dude pulls up to parallel park in front of me.  However, instead of pulling beside the car in front of mine, he tries to do this almost exactly in the middle of the space.  It was a dumb ass way to park, but doable if you can fucking parallel park halfway decently.

This guy, however, could not.

He pulls in at the worst angle ever conceived and keeps backing towards my car.  Getting closer, and closer, and closer…

Now, I’m getting a little uncomfortable here, and give him a quick honk to let him know he’s too close, stop.  He turns, looks at me, and then backs into my car.

Okay, at this point I am exceptionally pissed off.  I jump out of my car and start yelling at him for being a moron, to learn how to drive, for being a moron… you get the point.

His response: “It was only a little tap.”

Newsflash asshole:  You shouldn’t be “tapping” my car at all!  Especially after I warned you that you were too close!

I yell at him a little more (mostly profanity) but, manage to mostly keep my cool.  However…

As I turn to walk away, I hear him lisp quietly (did I mention he was pretty darn flamboyantly gay?): “Fucking fatass.”

Now, okay.  I’m a big guy.  No doubt I could shed some pounds.  However, I am also a fucking giant.  This, this my friends is what we call “Not a smart fucking move.”

Now, this is the point of contention:  After saying that, I turned right back around, grabbed him by the throat, lift him up, and slammed him into his car.  Hard.  I yell at him some more (again, mostly profanity), then I toss him to the ground, get into my car, and drive off.

My feeling is that I was perfectly justified.  The guy was clearly an idiot, smacked my car (which I only realized later is cracked), is completely unapologetic, and then proceeds to insult me.

Some people at work have said that what I did was wrong (for whatever bullshit reason they had, I wasn’t really paying attention).  My question is, was I?

The mystery that are Americans

The Head will admit it…  He’s a Canadian, eh.  The Head is from the great white north, enjoys cold beer, tends to be overly polite, and used to love hockey (that is a completely separate grumbling).

Now, I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking “Well Head, is there a point to the fact that you are Canadian?”  My answer?  Not really.

What?  Oh yeah…  My point really is that as a Canadian, I as a general rule tend not to think about the fact that Canadians and Americans are quite different creatures.  American culture (TV) is a constant in Canada, as are American politics (TV), news (TV), philosophy (TV), economics (TV), andpornography (30 second clips on the internet… ohhhh yeah).  So to sum up, we are surrounded by what we perceive as “Americana”.

The crux of this is that The Head recently had the opportunity to visit the United States (just outside of Boston), and has come to realize that Americans are bizarre little creatures (no insult meant by the term “little”, The Head is simply a massive head, and therefore everything seems little).  This is evidenced by a few things:

1. There is a store for *anything* you could possibly imagine.  Want to buy a crack addicted llama that can burp the alphabet?  Easy, just go to “Crazy Larry’s Crack Addicted Llama That Can Burp the Alphabet Emporium”.  How about a store that features Gay Black Republican Literature?  Easy as pie, this can be found at “Crazy Larry’s House of the Non-Existent”.  Oh, by the way, after some serious research, it appears that 38% of American stores are owned by a mentally fractured man named Larry.
2. Every 2nd person has a Southern accent.  It doesn’t seem to matter where you are (granted, my study is pretty much limited to Orlando andsome place just outside of Boston, but my estimates put the study at about 118% accurate), every second person has a Southern accent.  It gets really odd, since in a family of four, you are guaranteed that at least 2 out of the 4 will have the accent.  My research indicates that it is almost universally the father and a daughter.
3. I’m always thirsty there.  It defies all logic, but there must be some sort of air particle in the states that just makes Canadians exceptionally thirsty.  Oh, and the only thing that can cure it (briefly), is copious amounts of orange Fanta.  I believe that Americans have either become immune to this uber-thirst, or perhaps the fact is that Americans are secretly robots sent back from the future to deep fry turkeys once a year…

Now, please do not look at this like a criticism.  The Head is of the opinion that while Americans may be befuddling little creatures (remember, I’m a frickin giant!) they have a few redeeming features.  And by a few redeeming features, I actually mean one.

Really hot women.  It’s true.  Granted you have your share of fugly chicks (Ryan Seacrest), but despite those fugly chicks (Ryan Seacrest), you have some truly hot ladies there.  I’m not even talking about the Hollywood posse, I’m talking about everyday, girl next door genuine pretty women.  Now, Canada has some very hot women (well, Montreal does…), but we lack the heavy population to make it really work (Canada is realllly big, andall the hot chicks are in Montreal… do the math).  The United States, however, spreads the love around, so to speak.  Cali-for-Ni-A, for example, is a hotbed.  I know plenty of beauties there (Of all varieties too… But none better than my precious Lou), I know at least one hotty from Connecticut and living in Beantown (of course copious time in Montreal is an asset), and I know at least a handful of other beautiful ladies from a variety of States that have a Springfield in them. 

But Head, you ask, surely there must be more to your view of the United States than bizzarroness and pretty girls you ask?  You didn’t?  Well F-U.  Where was I?  Oh yeah…  Naturally.  Some of it baffles me (Nascar, Uber Republicans, grits…) but at the same time, there are things that appeal to me as well (the previously mentioned hotties, the fact that stores are open late on the weekend, and of course the copious number of donut stores).

At any rate, I’ve grumbled on long enough for one day.  Suffice it to say, The Head loves all of his American friends (well the ladies anyway, you guys suck) even though you all baffle him to the utmost.

So, as that really ugly girl of yours is fond of saying… Seacrest out.