Greetings all, your unfriendly neighborhood Head wanted to give you all a Head’s up (it’s like a typical head’s up, but more official) about a serious issue affecting society. No, it’s not the swine flu, that is easy to solve (stop kissing pigs).
No kids, The Head is referring to… The Gay. Yes kids, some of you may have already caught The Gay without realizing it. It’s a subtle thing, and may in fact have been in you all along with you even realizing it. Now, The Head isn’t 100% certain what The Gay is exactly… something to do with mesh, men named Lance, and a “power top”… whatever that is… as best as The Head can figure…
Regardless, according to such valued scientists as the Pope, Ronald Reagan and Chuck Norris, The Gay is something best avoided by those who wish to continue enjoying things like Freedom and sweet potatoes.
So The Head is going to give you all a small rundown on the symptoms that indicate that you, or a loved one, has The Gay:
1) If while chatting with co-workers one of them starts a sentence with “… hey, did you catch the Streisand concert on tv last night?” Should you be inclined to answer with anything other than a scoff or a puzzled expression, you have The Gay.
2) If you are a dude and you have an earring, and are not, nor have ever been a pirate, then you in fact have The Gay. Also, it doesn’t look cool. You know it, we know it. You aren’t kidding anybody here. Personally The Head would enjoy kicking the shit out of dudes with earrings, but it would be labeled as a hate crime, so he just judges them with disdain.
3) If you are a guy and you go clothes shopping with anything other than the thought of “Ok, let’s get this over as quickly as humanly possible…”, oh boy do you have The Gay.
4) You go to either a club, a bar, a house party or any other social event, look around and immediately remark sadly, “aw man, this place is totally not a sausage fest!” Or, if you enter one of the above mentioned locales and remark “aw man, I’ve already had copious amounts of the gay sex with all these guys!” then you might have The Gay.
5) If while reading your latest copy of Soldier of Fortune, Big Game Hunter, Playboy, Monster Trucks or Sports Illustrated, you think that a tiny glass of chardonnay (not too much, it goes straight to your hips!) and a small slice of that blue cheese in the fridge would be just heavenly! Then you have The Gay. And are in denial. Plus, who has a magazine subscription anymore? Really…