Okay, granted, The Head hasn’t exactly seen the movie. He has, however, heard about it. He also has the distinct sadness to report that he had read the book. It’s true. The circumstances around the event were beyond his control though!
Dane Cook: Read this fucking book!
The Head: What? Fuck no!
Dane Cook: Read this book or I will fucking shoot you! (waves gun threateningly).
The Head: Go ahead and shoot me you smug son of a bitch. I’d rather die a hero, then live a life where that shit is permanently in my brain!
Dane Cook: Read the book or I’ll perform my “comedy”, right here, right now!
The Head: Hey look, a sparkly vampire… Ooo, a pathetic werewolf… Sweet Jesus made of cheese, just shoot me!
Dane Cook: I am soooo unfunny! HAHAHA!
So, as you can see, The Head was most definitely not eager to watch this movie after having to suffer through the only book he had ever read that was worse than “Choose Your Own Adventure: Sarah Palin Hunting Wolves”.
Of course, that’s not to say that he didn’t come close, dangerously close, to seeing this piece of shit…
Dane Cook: Go see New Moon!
The Head: What? Fuck no!
Dane Cook: I’ll perform my come-
The Head: Here, read this. (hands the worst comedian of our generation a piece of paper)
Dane Cook: Kooc enaD? Nooooooooo!
The Head: If you get him to say his name backwards, he goes back to his own dimension.
So The Head will now review this movie that he has not seen. Here we go.
It. Fucking. Sucks.
What? You need more detail than that? FINE!
Here’s a brief synopsis: This movie follows from where Twilight left you. Plain looking girl that is ever so clutzy and weird, and just happens to have every guy that meets her fall in love with her, and a 100 year old mysterious creature that can’t be a vampire because vampires fucking eat people and don’t fucking sparkle in sunlight are all happy and shit and together and are in the most unhealthy relationship ever.
Shit happens, and the Mushagushaboo (that’s what I’ll call Edward, because he sure as fuck ain’t a vampire) decides to leave Bella in the forest to die.
She then whines a lot because a guy that treats her like crap, that stalked her, that watched her while she slept without her knowledge, and a bunch of other ridiculous stuff leaves her. She also goes crazy and hears voices, but I digress.
Now her little friend from the first book, Squanto, shows up. Only he ain’t a little pipsqueak anymore, he’s a fucking retardedly ripped little Squanto that had every shirt he owned stolen. Or something. Now, as he is a guy, he naturally falls in love with the ridiculously plain, neurotic, emotionally unstable Bella. I mean, who wouldn’t?
So for the next good while, she pretty much cock teases him. Like really bad. He’ll be all like:
Squanto – “Gosh Bella, I really like you. You have so many horrible, horrible faults, but for some reason, almost because some crazy Mormon is making me feel it, I think I love you!”
Bella – “Oh Squanto! I love you and your ridiculous six-pack too… Is what I would say if I weren’t horribly in love with a Mushagushaboo that abandoned me and left me to die. You’re alright. How about I hover my lips really close to your face but never follow through?”
It also turns out that he is a werepuppy. Not a werewolf, not, he transforms into my fucking puppy dog. Woof. He’s so scary. Go fetch the bone Squanto. Good boy!
More shit happens, and Bella abandons her Squanto because the guy that emotionally abused her and invaded the sanctity of the home she shares with her father decides to off himself.
Edward the Mushagushaboo, decides that the best way to kill himself is to sparkle in Italy, because as we all know, the Pope sits in his magical Pope Tower with a sniper rifle, just waiting for something to have the ungodly temerity to mother fucking sparkle!
More shit happens. Bella and the Mushagushaboo are reunited and free to continue their retardely unhealthy relationship, Squanto decides to give homosexuality a chance and runs around half naked with a bunch of dudes, and every other character quickly remembers that they don’t matter, and promptly shuts the fuck up.
The saddest part is that this movie is retardedly easy to fix. It just requires the smallest little changes.
- Bella is played by Angelina Jolie. No mention is made of the fact that this woman is obviously in her 30’s and is supposed to be like 17-18. It’s just Angie.
- Edward has a sock puppet that he talks to called Mr. Chestington. It’s a British man that is clearly upper crust, but convinces Edward to do crazy things like watch people sleep, abandon girls to their doom, and bathe.
- Instead of sparkling, whenever a “vampire” is exposed to sunlight, they turn into Nathan Lane.
- Instead of constantly cock teasing the werewolf mexican native kid, the newly Angelina Jolie’d Bella spends an obscene amount of time fucking the shit out of him. Oh, and I play Squanto.
- Every single time a ridiculously obvious mormon theme shows up, Orson Scott Card appears on screen and yells “I hate fags!”. Then he is shot in the face. One of his many clones continues the trend.
- The role of Bella’s father is played by Clint Eastwood. The 79 year old spends the rest of the movie kicking the ever loving shit out of Edward for being such an emo douche.
- A CGI Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker are added to the final scene, looking on approvingly. Also, there’s Ewoks.
- There is at least one scene where Bella is with both Edward and Squanto, where she looks at the pasty white douch that smells, and then at the ridiculously ripped mexican. She then says “Really? I choose the scruffy Diggory? Really? What am I, an idiot?”
- Bella and Edward, eyes smoldering and passion in their loins inch closer… and closer… Finally, they can resist no more and succumb to their carnal desires. Just as Edward fumbles off her pants, a tiny Gandalf jumps out and yells “You Shall Not Pass!” Then they all chuckle and share a cup of hot coco.
- Just as Edward is about to sparkle in Italy, a tear opens in the space time continuum, and the Back to The Future car appears. Doc Brown and Professor Snape get out of the car and convince Edward that Harry Potter is in trouble and that they have to go Back… To The Future!” Then Eye of the Tiger plays.