The Head Reviews: The Vampire Diaries

Ok, like, you know how, like, on TV, you can like totally, watch stuff? Okay, so when you have, like this girl, right? and this girl is so totally in love with this guy, but OHMYGOD, he’s this vampire, and super old but totally hot anyway, and she like, doesn’t know, and he has this totally hot evil brother that is all like, mean and stuff? Like, seriously, it’s sooooo like how my friend Becky would see this guy and just go all, you know, crazy cuz he was soooo cute, but deep too, you know? You can tell he’s totally in touch with his emotions cuz he likes old books!

Yup. That’s pretty much The Vampire Diaries. Granted there’s a bit more to it than that, but in a nutshell, that’s about it.

You see, TV execs are not exactly the most creative creatures, by and large. While they are willing to take risks from time to time on interesting concepts, they also like to have a few “sure things” in their back pocket to make up for lost revenue. To that end, the guys running the CW had the following thought process:

1) Twilight is like, super popular.

2) We should totally make a Twilight TV show!

3) Bummer… Twilight would be too expensive to get the rights to.

4) Hey look! A crappy tween book series from the 90’s that is almost exactly like Twilight (to be fair, one should say that Twilight is almost exactly like it, but I digress) and would be super cheap!

5) Monay monay monay monay!!!

So the result is that the TV audience gets Twi(lite). Get it? Twilight, but lite? Shut up, you try and be punny! Go on, I dare you!

At any rate, we have this random girl, who’s kinda cute I guess, in that “I’m really hopeless” sort of way. And she has family problems. You know this because her parents dies like, 6 months ago. This of course, is mentioned at least 13 times in an episode:

Hopeless Girl: “Hi. Um, I guess I’ll have a double double and a muffin. Not a cranberry muffin though, cuz that’s what I was eating when my parents died.”

Some Guy: “Hey look, it’s that girl whose parents dies.” – And this is all we see of that character. His one contribution was to remind us that this girl has no parents.

Batman: “Hey! Guess what we have in common!”

So, her and her brother are living with their aunt. Well, they call this woman “aunt”, even though they are clearly the same age. Oh, and her brother does drugs or something. Not that it matters really, since any storyline that doesn’t have anything to do with dreamy vampires is so, like, filler.

So it’s time for this girl and her brother to go to school again. By this point you may have realised that I don’t know any of their names. Trust me, they aren’t important. Like I was saying, they go to school, the audience is reminded that their parents died several times, and like, life is hard. Turns out there’s this new guy in school, and he is so damn SQUEE it just ain’t funny. He’s brooding and mysterious and dark, and in his thirties, and deep, AND OBVIOUSLY EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN FROM TWILIGHT! They didn’t even try to make it seem that maybe he isn’t supposed to be the same character. He looks like Edward Fucking Cullen, talks like Edward Fucking Cullen, acts like Edward Fucking Cullen, and I bet smells like Edward Fucking Cullen. I mean, I understand that Twilight is popular, but at least make an effort to hide that you are trying to cash in on it. And Christ, if you plan on dumping in something directly from another story, pick something a little less retarded than Edward Fucking Cullen…

Ok. Breath.

At this point, this girl (Bella Fucking Whateverherlastnameis) and this vampire (Edward Fucking Cullen) are now in love or something. I’m not really sure. All I know is that she has to be an idiot of the highest order not to realise that there is something seriously fucked up about this guy. He disappears at the end of EVERY conversation. It doesn’t matter where they are, what they’re doing, or if there is even any logical way for him to vanish. He’ll say something, she’ll turn her head for half a second, turn back to retort, and he’s gone! Every time. They could be on the damn moon, not a thing around, she’ll turn around and he’s gone. And she doesn’t think anything of it!

Oh, and while we’re at it, this dude is supposed to be a Vampire. Thus far, this seems to consist of:

He’s fast.

He might be strong?

He can turn into a crow. (did the animal handler not have any bats?)

He has a magic ring that lets him stay in sunlight.

Yes. you read that right. He has a magic ring. Let’s him go out into sunlight. It’s almost like that when the author first wrote this stuff, her editor was like:

“Um, so he goes to school?”

“Yup”

“In the day?”

“Uh huh.”

“Don’t um, and feel free to correct me here, don’t vampires, you know, die in sunlight?”

“Uh… well… obviously… yeah… but he, uh… has this… um… oh, magic ring! Yeah, that’s it!”

“Sold!”

So yeah. This Edward Fucking Cullen reject can go out into the day. But… so can his evil brother Darwde Gnikcuf Nelluc! Cuz he also has a magic ring! And he’s evil! And like, kills people! And wants to make Edward Fucking Cullen’s life a living hell! And is honestly, about the only thing on this show thatis even remotely interesting!

Now it looks like there’s going to be some sort of love triangle between Bella, Edward Fucking Cullen, and Edward Fucking Cullen’s evil brother. Oh my!

Honestly, that’s about it as far as I can tell. There are a bunch of other sub plots, but those properly won’t matter, since they involve no amount of SQUEE. For example, Bella’s best friend is this black girl who thinks she’s psychic. That’s about it, as it seems her entire existence is based around being Bella’s friend, which is kind of sad. If I were the actress playing this role, I would keep my eye open on the job listings, because I have a feeling that her character is about to go the way of the youngest daughter on Family Matters (remember her?).

So, what have we learned? TV execs are lazy. Relatively obscure books from the 90’s are cheap. Twilight still sucks ass. The Vampire Diaries, while essentially a Twilight clone (yes yes,I know it came first) kinda blows as well, but oddly enough doesn’t blow as much.

The Head gives The Vampire Diaries 2.5 “SQUEE! EDWARD, HAVE MY BABIES!” out of 5.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “The Head Reviews: The Vampire Diaries

  1. Cat

    Listen, Mister hubbyHead, first of all, don’t be knockin’ my favourite teen author. And the books were for TEENS not tweens. Also, the series is nothing like the books, so sayith the author herself in an MTV interview – and you know how All About The News they are! So, yeah! Just don’t be dissin’ my teen-author-goddess.

    Not that I read this series because when I was 14 I couldn’t give a hoot about vampires. Wait, I still don’t hoot about them.

    The show is bad, I’ll grant that.

    Also it’s the EVIL vamp who can turn into a crow. And that’s because he’s all magical and super powery because he feeds on humans and not rats. Also, don’t forget he can also turn into a dry ice machine.

    And there was a Buffy (or Angel?) episode where there was a ring that allowed the vamps to go out into daylight. So it’s ok if Joss Whedon does it? 😛

    “he’s so damn SQUEE it isn’t funny” HAHAHAH!

    • The Head

      1) Sorry, this review strictly covers the television rip off of Twilight, not the book rip off of Twilight. Oh yes, I’m fully aware that your favourite author is a time traveller.

      2) It’s for tweens. Sorry you had to learn this way.

      3) Yes the show is bad. I’ve already scientifically proven that.

      4) The good vampire can turn into a crow too, he just doesn’t because he’s too busy LOOKING IN THE MIRROR!

      5) There is a world of difference between a plot device for one episode of a series, and a plot device that borders on McGuffin territory that is the whole reason that the series can happen.

      6) No no no, I said it isn’t funny! Don’t laugh at the SQUEE!

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