A New Christmas Tradition

Now, everyone knows the traditional Christmas stuff: Santa, his elves, his 7 reindeer (he got hungry), the North Pole (for which Mrs. Claus thanks the little blue pills), delivering toys to all the good little kids in the world, eggnog, stockings, trees, mistletoe (try and trick stupid girls into thinking that two mistletoe equals a beej) and all that other stuff. The problem is that all of these traditions and what not are really fucking old. They date back to ancient Egypt where Jimi Hendrix once played guitar for 17 straight days while high on 44 pounds of shrooms, and at the end, Santa Claus was born out of a jelly donut. Because these traditions, while nice, are so incredibly old, The Head thinks that it’s time to start new ones. To that effect, The Head would like to propose:

The Christmas Hooker.

Godammit Shatner, that ain’t the type of hooker I meant and you know it! No *you* shut up! Don’t you take that tone of voice with me! Don’t you dare pause after each and every word you… Ok fine! Forget the Christmas Hooker! It’s now called:

The Christmas Whore.

You happy Kirk?

Here we go…

Oh dear lord… What have I done? Excuse me…

Sorry. I think my soul just threw up there. Maybe I’ll take another try at…

Oh fuck, I look like a whored up Christmasy Martha Stewart…

To hell with the picture… Moving along. so the idea of the Christmas Hook- I *mean*, the Christmas Whore is that,we round up all the regular whores parading around the city, doll them up a bit with Christmas decorations and what not, and then leave them under the trees of good little boys and girls to unwrap on Christmas morning.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “HEAD! How could you even suggest that our children engage in inappropriate behavior with whores?!? You’re worse than Billy Ray Cyrus!”

The point isn’t that the Christmas Whores perform any inappropriate action with the kids. As a matter of fact, they are simply there to provide the kids with some harmless companionship, teach them values, play fun childhood games, and instruct them on how to avoid the backhand of an angry pimp while at the same time negotiating a good deal on crystal meth.

Naturally, as whores are in general somewhat expert in the field of sex, they would help give your kids the best and most frank instruction on sex education. No longer would parents have to have the awkward “talk” with their kids! Instead, they simply wait for Christmas to roll around, and trust that the Christmas Whore will take care of this is excruciatingly painful detail.

This will also help teach your children about responsibility, as they will have to walk their Christmas Whore 3 times a day (to the motel so they can meet their Johns), feed them every morning and night (only use the recommended Purina Whore Chow as it gives them a much needed boost of energy and keeps their coat nice and shiny), and also clean out the Christmas Whore’s litter box. These are extremely valuable lessons that kids can really pick up on by helping take care of a malnourished woman with track marks¬† and a switch blade tucked into her “come fuck me” boot.

Ask yourself this: When you get back to work after the holidays, do you want to be one of those lame ass parents that got your kid a Barbie, a Wii or a Tickle Me Rod Stewart? Or do you want to be the envy of the workplace, puff your chest out with pride, and look your co-workers in the eye (yes, even crazy Lenny, the one that pokes people with a sharpened pencil) and tell them that you went out and got the best whore 23$ and a pack of gum could buy?

I thought so.

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Can you spot the issue here?

While doing some Christmas shopping… or is it “Holiday” shopping now? I can never remember… The Head spotted this movie in a bargain bin. Upon closer inspection, there is something off about this DVD copy of Night of The Living Dead 3D. Can you spot it?


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Signs You May In Fact Have a Case of The Gay

Greetings all, your unfriendly neighborhood Head wanted to give you all a Head’s up (it’s like a typical head’s up, but more official) about a serious issue affecting society. No, it’s not the swine flu, that is easy to solve (stop kissing pigs).

No kids, The Head is referring to… The Gay. Yes kids, some of you may have already caught The Gay without realizing it. It’s a subtle thing, and may in fact have been in you all along with you even realizing it. Now, The Head isn’t 100% certain what The Gay is exactly… something to do with mesh, men named Lance, and a “power top”… whatever that is… as best as The Head can figure…

Regardless, according to such valued scientists as the Pope, Ronald Reagan and Chuck Norris, The Gay is something best avoided by those who wish to continue enjoying things like Freedom and sweet potatoes.

So The Head is going to give you all a small rundown on the symptoms that indicate that you, or a loved one, has The Gay:

1) If while chatting with co-workers one of them starts a sentence with “… hey, did you catch the Streisand concert on tv last night?” Should you be inclined to answer with anything other than a scoff or a puzzled expression, you have The Gay.

2) If you are a dude and you have an earring, and are not, nor have ever been a pirate, then you in fact have The Gay. Also, it doesn’t look cool. You know it, we know it. You aren’t kidding anybody here. Personally The Head would enjoy kicking the shit out of dudes with earrings, but it would be labeled as a hate crime, so he just judges them with disdain.

3) If you are a guy and you go clothes shopping with anything other than the thought of “Ok, let’s get this over as quickly as humanly possible…”, oh boy do you have The Gay.

4) You go to either a club, a bar, a house party or any other social event, look around and immediately remark sadly, “aw man, this place is totally not a sausage fest!” Or, if you enter one of the above mentioned locales and remark “aw man, I’ve already had copious amounts of the gay sex with all these guys!” then you might have The Gay.

5) If while reading your latest copy of Soldier of Fortune, Big Game Hunter, Playboy, Monster Trucks or Sports Illustrated, you think that a tiny glass of chardonnay (not too much, it goes straight to your hips!) and a small slice of that blue cheese in the fridge would be just heavenly! Then you have The Gay. And are in denial. Plus, who has a magazine subscription anymore? Really…

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Little Known Fact

The Head used to be an Italian Pop Star back in the 80s. True Story.

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I don’t know why this makes me laugh, but it does…

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The Head Reviews: The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Okay, granted, The Head hasn’t exactly seen the movie. He has, however, heard about it. He also has the distinct sadness to report that he had read the book. It’s true. The circumstances around the event were beyond his control though!


Dane Cook: Read this fucking book!

The Head: What? Fuck no!

Dane Cook: Read this book or I will fucking shoot you! (waves gun threateningly).

The Head: Go ahead and shoot me you smug son of a bitch. I’d rather die a hero, then live a life where that shit is permanently in my brain!

Dane Cook: Read the book or I’ll perform my “comedy”, right here, right now!

The Head: Hey look, a sparkly vampire… Ooo, a pathetic werewolf… Sweet Jesus made of cheese, just shoot me!

Dane Cook: I am soooo unfunny! HAHAHA!


So, as you can see, The Head was most definitely not eager to watch this movie after having to suffer through the only book he had ever read that was worse than “Choose Your Own Adventure: Sarah Palin Hunting Wolves”.

Of course, that’s not to say that he didn’t come close, dangerously close, to seeing this piece of shit…


Dane Cook: Go see New Moon!

The Head: What? Fuck no!

Dane Cook: I’ll perform my come-

The Head: Here, read this. (hands the worst comedian of our generation a piece of paper)

Dane Cook: Kooc enaD?  Nooooooooo!

The Head: If you get him to say his name backwards, he goes back to his own dimension.


So The Head will now review this movie that he has not seen. Here we go.

It. Fucking. Sucks.

What? You need more detail than that? FINE!

Here’s a brief synopsis: This movie follows from where Twilight left you. Plain looking girl that is ever so clutzy and weird, and just happens to have every guy that meets her fall in love with her, and a 100 year old mysterious creature that can’t be a vampire because vampires fucking eat people and don’t fucking sparkle in sunlight are all happy and shit and together and are in the most unhealthy relationship ever.

Shit happens, and the Mushagushaboo (that’s what I’ll call Edward, because he sure as fuck ain’t a vampire) decides to leave Bella in the forest to die.

She then whines a lot because a guy that treats her like crap, that stalked her, that watched her while she slept without her knowledge, and a bunch of other ridiculous stuff leaves her. She also goes crazy and hears voices, but I digress.

Now her little friend from the first book, Squanto, shows up. Only he ain’t a little pipsqueak anymore, he’s a fucking retardedly ripped little Squanto that had every shirt he owned stolen. Or something. Now, as he is a guy, he naturally falls in love with the ridiculously plain, neurotic, emotionally unstable Bella. I mean, who wouldn’t?

So for the next good while, she pretty much cock teases him. Like really bad. He’ll be all like:

Squanto – “Gosh Bella, I really like you. You have so many horrible, horrible faults, but for some reason, almost because some crazy Mormon is making me feel it, I think I love you!”

Bella – “Oh Squanto! I love you and your ridiculous six-pack too… Is what I would say if I weren’t horribly in love with a Mushagushaboo that abandoned me and left me to die. You’re alright. How about I hover my lips really close to your face but never follow through?”

It also turns out that he is a werepuppy. Not a werewolf, not, he transforms into my fucking puppy dog. Woof. He’s so scary. Go fetch the bone Squanto. Good boy!

More shit happens, and Bella abandons her Squanto because the guy that emotionally abused her and invaded the sanctity of the home she shares with her father decides to off himself.

Edward the Mushagushaboo, decides that the best way to kill himself is to sparkle in Italy, because as we all know, the Pope sits in his magical Pope Tower with a sniper rifle, just waiting for something to have the ungodly temerity to mother fucking sparkle!

More shit happens. Bella and the Mushagushaboo are reunited and free to continue their retardely unhealthy relationship, Squanto decides to give homosexuality a chance and runs around half naked with a bunch of dudes, and every other character quickly remembers that they don’t matter, and promptly shuts the fuck up.

The End.

The saddest part is that this movie is retardedly easy to fix. It just requires the smallest little changes.

  1. Bella is played by Angelina Jolie. No mention is made of the fact that this woman is obviously in her 30’s and is supposed to be like 17-18. It’s just Angie.
  2. Edward has a sock puppet that he talks to called Mr. Chestington. It’s a British man that is clearly upper crust, but convinces Edward to do crazy things like watch people sleep, abandon girls to their doom, and bathe.
  3. Instead of sparkling, whenever a “vampire” is exposed to sunlight, they turn into Nathan Lane.
  4. Instead of constantly cock teasing the werewolf mexican native kid, the newly Angelina Jolie’d Bella spends an obscene amount of time fucking the shit out of him. Oh, and I play Squanto.
  5. Every single time a ridiculously obvious mormon theme shows up, Orson Scott Card appears on screen and yells “I hate fags!”. Then he is shot in the face. One of his many clones continues the trend.
  6. The role of Bella’s father is played by Clint Eastwood. The 79 year old spends the rest of the movie kicking the ever loving shit out of Edward for being such an emo douche.
  7. A CGI Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker are added to the final scene, looking on approvingly. Also, there’s Ewoks.
  8. There is at least one scene where Bella is with both Edward and Squanto, where she looks at the pasty white douch that smells, and then at the ridiculously ripped mexican. She then says “Really? I choose the scruffy Diggory? Really? What am I, an idiot?”
  9. Bella and Edward, eyes smoldering and passion in their loins inch closer… and closer… Finally, they can resist no more and succumb to their carnal desires. Just as Edward fumbles off her pants, a tiny Gandalf jumps out and yells “You Shall Not Pass!” Then they all chuckle and share a cup of hot coco.
  10. Just as Edward is about to sparkle in Italy, a tear opens in the space time continuum, and the Back to The Future car appears. Doc Brown and Professor Snape get out of the car and convince Edward that Harry Potter is in trouble and that they have to go Back… To The Future!” Then Eye of the Tiger plays.



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This amuses me because it’s true



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