Now, everyone knows the traditional Christmas stuff: Santa, his elves, his 7 reindeer (he got hungry), the North Pole (for which Mrs. Claus thanks the little blue pills), delivering toys to all the good little kids in the world, eggnog, stockings, trees, mistletoe (try and trick stupid girls into thinking that two mistletoe equals a beej) and all that other stuff. The problem is that all of these traditions and what not are really fucking old. They date back to ancient Egypt where Jimi Hendrix once played guitar for 17 straight days while high on 44 pounds of shrooms, and at the end, Santa Claus was born out of a jelly donut. Because these traditions, while nice, are so incredibly old, The Head thinks that it’s time to start new ones. To that effect, The Head would like to propose:
The Christmas Hooker.
Godammit Shatner, that ain’t the type of hooker I meant and you know it! No *you* shut up! Don’t you take that tone of voice with me! Don’t you dare pause after each and every word you… Ok fine! Forget the Christmas Hooker! It’s now called:
The Christmas Whore.
You happy Kirk?
Here we go…
Oh dear lord… What have I done? Excuse me…
Sorry. I think my soul just threw up there. Maybe I’ll take another try at…
Oh fuck, I look like a whored up Christmasy Martha Stewart…
To hell with the picture… Moving along. so the idea of the Christmas Hook- I *mean*, the Christmas Whore is that,we round up all the regular whores parading around the city, doll them up a bit with Christmas decorations and what not, and then leave them under the trees of good little boys and girls to unwrap on Christmas morning.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “HEAD! How could you even suggest that our children engage in inappropriate behavior with whores?!? You’re worse than Billy Ray Cyrus!”
The point isn’t that the Christmas Whores perform any inappropriate action with the kids. As a matter of fact, they are simply there to provide the kids with some harmless companionship, teach them values, play fun childhood games, and instruct them on how to avoid the backhand of an angry pimp while at the same time negotiating a good deal on crystal meth.
Naturally, as whores are in general somewhat expert in the field of sex, they would help give your kids the best and most frank instruction on sex education. No longer would parents have to have the awkward “talk” with their kids! Instead, they simply wait for Christmas to roll around, and trust that the Christmas Whore will take care of this is excruciatingly painful detail.
This will also help teach your children about responsibility, as they will have to walk their Christmas Whore 3 times a day (to the motel so they can meet their Johns), feed them every morning and night (only use the recommended Purina Whore Chow as it gives them a much needed boost of energy and keeps their coat nice and shiny), and also clean out the Christmas Whore’s litter box. These are extremely valuable lessons that kids can really pick up on by helping take care of a malnourished woman with track marks and a switch blade tucked into her “come fuck me” boot.
Ask yourself this: When you get back to work after the holidays, do you want to be one of those lame ass parents that got your kid a Barbie, a Wii or a Tickle Me Rod Stewart? Or do you want to be the envy of the workplace, puff your chest out with pride, and look your co-workers in the eye (yes, even crazy Lenny, the one that pokes people with a sharpened pencil) and tell them that you went out and got the best whore 23$ and a pack of gum could buy?
I thought so.