Halloween

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Hi everyone, your friend and neighbor The Head here, with some Halloween tips for ya’ll.  Remember kids, always be safe, and have a super duper time!  Anyhoo, here’s a few tips from me to you!

• If you are over 12, you are too fucking old to trick or treat.  Get over it.  Unless you’re that 16 year ol- I mean that 18 year old from down the street.  You can come over.

• Do not dress up as The Joker this year.  Even if you think you have a super original idea.  Just don’t.

• Do not put razor blades in candy, I can’t stress that enough.  You’re just ruining perfectly good candy!

• If you are a hot woman, it is your RESPONSIBILITY to wear a slutty costume.  I don’t care if it’s a slutty librarian, slutty fairy, slutty cat, slutty whatever.  It is required, BY LAW, that if you are at least a 7.0 on the hotness scale, you wear one.  And then send me pictures.

• If the light is out, there ain’t no more candy.  Don’t knock on the door or ring the doorbell.  Somebody beat you to the punch, deal with it.

• Kids: say Trick or Treat.  Don’t just open your bag and grunt at me.  That’s just lazy.

• When kids say Trick or Treat, don’t make them do a trick.  You’re messing with the flow of traffic, and kids today are likely to kneecap you.

• If you want to be a vampire you dress as Dracula (or if a hot chick, slutty Dracula).  No other option is available.  If you say you’re Edward from Twilight, I am legally allowed to kick you in the nuts.

• Be aware of your surroundings.  Those guys in the bitchin ZZ Top costumes might just be Jewish.

• When making your ghost costume, be careful.  One little mistake and it could become a Klan outfit.

• Parents: Remember to always check your kids candy before they eat it!  This way you get first crack at the good stuff.

• Remember, Slutty costumes!  Email them!

• Being Halloween and all, you’ll probably see your fair share of Zombies.  Remember though, you just can’t take any chances.  Bring a shovel and bash them ALL on the head.  Better safe than ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!

• If you are thinking about a costume and at any point think: “I wonder if people’ll get it?” Abandon the idea.  People won’t.

• Always remember: Chocolate Bar > Chips > Licorice > Candy > Gum > Raisins > lame crap that healthy people like to toss out.

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