(I think she gave us all one last gift…)

I’ve spent the last week or so trying to write this out.  To let the words that didn’t want to come out, flow.  For some reason, they just wouldn’t come.  I tried to bring the past forward, to produce a written visual of a remarkable woman that I was so lucky to have known.  I’ve come to realize that there are no perfect words, no visual that I can convey to people that would ever be satisfactory.  Once I managed to come to that revelation, things became clearer, and I feel that I can put to words everything I need to.

It was a little less than a year ago that I wrote about the passing of John Hart.  Well, just last week marked the passing of his wife Lillian, a woman that I knew for only a short time relatively speaking, but that had a profound impact on my life.

Lillian was, to me, the epitome of strength.  The type of strength that I think so very few of us posess, and the type of strength I dearly wish I had.

Lillian was strong for her family.  She took care of her kids for years, raising them right, teaching them to be the good people they would become.  Later, she took care for her grandchilren, forwarding those same lessons and love.  And later in life she helped to take care of her husband, just as he helped take care of her.  They each had their individual weaknesses that the other made up for, resulting in a strength of familty that you seldome see, let alone from two people in their nineties.

Lillian was strong as a person.  Adversity is when we are truly tested.  When we can truly see who and what we are.  It’s easy to keep it together during the good times, it’s another to do so during the hardest times of your life.  She was the type of person that suffered the loss of her sight, and adjusted.  The type of person that lost her daughter way too young, and was strong to support the rest of her family.  The type of person who lost her husband of almost 67 years, and had to adjust to a whole new world.  Through it all, she was always in good spirits, and always offered me a smile and a hug.  In her darkest times, she went out of her way to make sure that the people around her were okay.

She was strong in her faith.  We all struggle with our own beliefs, outlooks and personal views.  I’m sure that Lillian was no different in that regard.  But, when it came to her faith in God, she was very, very strong.  When most people say that they’ll pray for you, I think a lot of us brush it off as a casual remark.  Whenever I was having a rough time, she would always tell me that she would pray for me.  And to be honest, I took a great deal of comfort in that.  It may seem strange to say, but I came to think of her prayers as being “the good stuff”.  Her faith was so strong that it would inspire you to have faith.

A year or two ago, I made an off hand remark to Cat, saying that I didn’t think that when one of her grandparents passed away, the other would be all that far behind.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the past week.  In my eyes, they were a pair so tightly connected that the world just wasn’t quite right with one but not the other.  I really wish I could explain this better, but it seems to me that this was a pair that was just *meant* to be together, whether it be in this world or the next.  The rest of us may have lost her, but I am greatly comforted by the thought that John and Lillian have found their way to one another once more.

I have no idea why, but when I think about it, I have the mental image of handsome and smiling young man rowing a small boat, talking the ear off of a beautiful young woman, who is hanging on his every word.  He finally has a few stories and jokes that she hasn’t heard, but even if he didn’t, she ‘d be just as happy to listen.  I can’t quite make out where this boat is headed, it’s a little too misty to see, but I don’t think it really matters.  They have all the time in the world ahead of them, and a lot of catching up to do.  Wherever they end up, all that matters is that they end up there together.

Goodbye Nana.  Thank you so much for everything.

Holiday Shopping

Hi kids.  The Head here.  The Head just wants to toss out some commentary towards shopping during the holiday season.

• Please don’t go out shopping with your entire extended family.  Really, just don’t.
• If you have young children, do your best not to bring them shopping in the last 2 weeks before Christmas.  If you have to, please leash them.  I’m dead serious.
• Also, if you need to bring a stroller, please select a nice compact one.  The Head is sick to death of those giant SUV style strollers that block entire rows.
• Walk at a reasonable pace.  Do not take a step every 2 seconds, looking in wonder at everything around you.
• Also, walk single file!!!  Rows are only so big, do not block them with your idiocy.
• Do not walk around the mall talking to someone using a blue tooth headpiece.  You luck shit faced insane.
• Also, do not use your cell phone at the cash with a long line, and then hold up your finger to the cashier, indicating you’ll just be a minute.
• Do say “Excuse me” when you bump into somebody.  It’s just polite.
• Don’t try to to push through me.  I’m bigger than you.  One of us is falling down, and it ain’t me.
• If I’m looking at something, don’t try and push into where I’m standing to look at the same item.  Not only is it rude, it’s now almost guaranteed that I’m not moving for 10 minutes.
• When looking for parking at the mall, try and drive sensibly.  I’m not just talking about avoiding accidents.  Don’t stop traffic to let off all 18 members of your family, who take their sweet ass time getting out.
• Also, park sensibly.  Parking is at a premium this time of year, and you are not magically entitled to more than 1 parking spot.
• Have a little respect at the food courts.  After you’re done eating, leave the table.  There are tons of people looking for a place to eat.  Don’t sit there for an hour after your meal is finished.
• Also, don’t sit there if you aren’t eating.  Seriously, go away.
• This is for the teenagers.  Don’t go around in a group acting tough, trying to impress your “bitches”.  I don’t have time for your little mating rituals.
• Also, get a haircut you little emo bitches.
• Finally, this is just a piece of advice: shop online.  This shit just ain’t worth it…

The Head wishes you yanks a happy (and slightly disgusting) Thanksgiving!!!

The Head – A work of art, yo!

The Head Reviews: Twilight (aka Shit: The Movie)

Greetings my little legion of Headomaniacs.  The Head knows what you want, and damn right he’s gonna give it to you.  Give it to you ALL NIGHT LONG!

Where was I?  Ah yes, the movie sweeping the world by storm, and making tween girls into squealing maniacs…. TWILIGHT!

Now, allow The Head to preface this by stating he was no actually *seen* the movie per se, but is relatively certain that this review is so beyond accurate that it’s sheer accuracy could KILL A DUCK.

Now, the first thing to realize is that this movie sucks balls.  That is a simple fact.  It sucks so much balls that Google is reporting “Twilight” at the top of the list if anyone searches for “GIANT SWEATY BALLS OF SUCKING”!

Now, you might be thinking, “hey, I’m sure it has *some redeeming qualities!”  If so, you’re an idiot.  Shut up.  But that’s okay, you’re allowed to have your idiotic opinion.  Ok, to be fair, it does have one decent quality:  It’s apparently not *exactly* like the book, which means that it has to be marginally better than the toilet paper it was written on, as the book is THE WORST THING EVER WRITTEN EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALWAYS AND WAS WRITTEN BY A TIME TRAVELING HITLER WHO LIKES TO TOUCH LITTLE BOYS WHO HE CALLS HIS PLEASURE PUPS!

So this movie, which is shit, hired this kid named Robert Pattinson, who appears to be British and have perpetually messy hair.  Sources tell me that he is beyond sexy, despite the fact that he kind of looks like a toaster with really messy hair.  He plays Edward Cullen, who is not human and has super powers.  I assume he is supposed to be a mutant or something.  What?  A vampire?  No he’s not a fucking vampire.  Look at the facts:

1. Vampires are killed in the sun.
2. Vampires are repelled by crosses.
3. Vampires must drink human blood to survive.

Edward?

1. Turns into a glow stick when in the sun.
2. Couldn’t give a flying fuck about a cross.
3. Looks in the fridge… juice, cola, purple stuff, AW MAN, SUNNY D!

In his spare time, Edward likes to have amazingly illogical reactions, change his mind every 11.4 seconds (about in tune with a carrot), watch bitches while they sleep, and be “mysterious”.  Also, he kills puppies.

On the other side of the cast is Kristen Stewart who plays Bella.  Not that this really matters since nobody seems to give a flying fuck about her anyway.  All that matters is, according to the young bitches, “EDWARD!!! FUCK ME! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR VAMPIRE BABIES!  SQUEEEEEEEAL!”

So yeah, fuck her.  Nobody cares.  It’s not like there’s any guys in the theater anyway.  Oh and if you are:

What the hell?  Why are you there?  What’s that?  Your girlfriend made you?  Dump her.  Seriously.  She could have a miracle vajayjay that guarandamntees the best orgasm ever and even grants fucking wishes and I’d still say dump her rather than see this insult to humanity.  As a matter of fact, slap her, then dump her.  Then travel back in time and kill her parents so that she never exists, and you never have to see this damn movie.  Then commit ritual Japanese suicide, because despite the fact that you traveled through time to avoid seeing this movie, your soul is still eternally tainted.

Now, the only worse scenario is that you have seen the movie, and for some unfuckingbelievable reason you’ve liked it.  If this is the case, there are only 2 possibilities:

1. You are a 12-15 year old girl.  This may come as a shock to some of you, I know.
2. YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON THAT HAS NO IDEA WHAT A GOOD STORY, ACTING, DIRECTING, CINEMATOGRAPHY OR BASIC FILM THEME IS!!!

Ok, just to sum up:  It is a generally accepted notion that the book is better than the film adaption.  There are obviously some exceptions (pretty much just Apocalypse Now), but it is a fairly safe rule.  I can safely say that this is one of the worst books ever written.  Oh, I can see how teen girls will go gaga I suppose, but the book itself is utter tripe and simply a clusterfuck of bad writing.  The movie, therefore, must be the worst movie ever made.  I’ve done the math kids, and despite the fact that it’s only my opinion, it’s also 100% fact!  (I do realize that this directly contradicts a previous point I made, but that is simply further proof as to how shit this movie is.  It’s so bad that it HAS to be better than the book, yet the book is so bad that the movie HAS to be better.  This movie is threatening to rip a hole in the fabric of reality!)

So please, before you spend your hard earned money on a crime against humanity, stop and think long and hard.  If you want to see a vampire movie that has better drama, romance, acting, plot and direction, take a look at Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.  THAT, is quality cinema!

America did right with Barack, California screwed the pooch with Prop 8

Last night was an interesting night.  The Head watched poll returns, and resfrehed web sites to get the latest voting updates.  For the first time in a long time, The Head felt a degree of hope from you folks south of the border.  After you somehow managed to re-elect W to a second term, The Head was pretty much thinking it was Game Over.  However, last night I saw Barack Obama sweep the country, and become the 43rd PotUS.  The Head actually doesn’t have anything against John McCain.  He actually seems like a decent enough guy, a bit old, but tough.  In another situation, he might have been the go-to guy.  However, this just wasn’t his time.

I think that Americans did the right thing, at the right time, and for the right reasons.  It’s time for a changing of the guard.  It’s time to try and refresh things a bit.  It’s time to rejoin the rest of the world, to be a part of it, rather than try and boss it around.  It’s time to care about human rights, time to do the right thing, time to have the rest of the world like and respect America again.  Barack Obama brings this.  He has the potential to heal the wounds of mistrust, to bring about the “change” needed for the world to embrace the United States, rather than condemn them.  Americans should be proud.  They picked a man who is different.  Who can lead and be loved.  So thank you USA.  Thank you for having faith that change can be a good thing, showing that the color of a man’s skin is meaningless, and for showing the rest of the world that you want to be a part of it.

—

Now, on to California…  WHAT THE FUCK?  Seriously, what the fuck is going on over there?

You can vote in what is effectively a man that is helping eliminate discrimination, and then go ahead and discriminate against the homosexual population of the state?  REALLY?

Here are a few facts:

• The Head is married.
• The Head is a straight dude.
• The Head doesn’t particularly care one way or the other about a whole lotta things.

But, one thing that The Head does believe in, is that we are all equal.  That discrimination is wrong.  Sure, The Head’ll make a fag joke once in a blue moon.  The Head will make a racist joke.  The Head will poke fun of anyone and anything.  Why?  Because they are jokes.  The Head fully expects to be made fun of as well from time to time, because it’s just a fucking joke.  But to go ahead and say to the gay/lesbian/tanswhaetevered community that they do not deserve marriage?  To say that, in essence, a straight relationship is “better” than a same sex one?  Go fuck yourself!  C’mon now!

Gay marriage does not affect *anyone* other than that couple and their friends and family.  Because Adam and Steve are married, it does not magically hinder the marriage of Joe and Jane Bigot.  Nothing for you has changed.  Your marriage is still intact, and your day to day life goes on as normal.

Here’s a quote to think about.  It’s from Animal Farm by George Orwell: “All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.”

Let that sink in.  Take out the word “animals” and replace it with “relationships”.  That’s California.

So congratulations to those that supported Prop 8.  Congratulations to people that wave Bibles around and want eveyone to believe what they believe.  Ah well, even if you don’t believe it, you still have to follow it apparently.  Congratulations to those who think that they are protecting “the family”.  Thanks for clearly indetifying what a family is.  It’s nice to have people like you around to tell us what’s what.

But most of all, thanks to those who voted for Barack Obama.  For his meesage of change, tolerance, and an end to discrimination, and then voted Yes on Prop 8.  Really, thanks.  Great job.  I’m really glad to see that the message sunk in.

Way to go California.  Way to go…

Election Day!!! (aka black dude becomes President day)

Hey kids,

Now, The Head has had a recent tirade or two in regards to the futility of voting.  And The Head firmly stands by that, and considers voting to not only be a waste of time, but counter productive.  Now here’s the qualifier: IN CANADA!

Americans today have the opportunity to choose their new leader (Obama), and *SHOULD* absolutely exercise their right to vote (for Obama).  The American political system has many flaws, but at least they can say that each and every one of their votes DOES matter.  Americans have the opportunity to decide not only the fate of their country, but the whole world, when they vote for Barack Obama.

So Americanos, please take the opportunity to express yourself politically.  Vote.

For Barack Obama.  Not John McCain.  He’s kind of scary.  And Sarah Palin, while kind of MILFy, is fucking shit faced crazy.  Seriously.  Oh, and something something about Prop 8.  Can’t remember which side I’m with on that one though.  Yes?  No?  Damn…  By the way, have you noticed how similar Barack Obama’s voice is to The Rock?  They seriously sound alike.  But I digress…

Wow…

The dude that sits next to me is singing that We Built This City on Rock and Roll song…

However, he has a heavy asian accent…

We Bit This Shitty on Wok and Woll???

Damn Creepy…

As part of The Head’s job, he handles customer support issues (the fact that this really isn’t his job will be ignored for the moment, not that he’s bitter or anything…).

The company that The Head works for is the creator of all Family Guy crap that finds itself on people’s cell phones (ring tones, wallpaper, that sort of thing).

Today, in his inbox, The Head had one of the creepiest customer support emails EVAR!!!

“Peter,

U know udont deserve Lois, right?  u are a sack of shit and a waste. Go fuck off and die. I would treat Lois ike the godass (Head: not my spelling kids) she is. U are worthless and suckbitchtits u fatfuck. Iam going to fucking kill u and cut off ur balls.  Then Im going to fuck lois 4ever and blow all over her. I fucking hate u, cuz she is hot and u are shit. FUCJ U!”

Dude has some anger issues, spelling problems and not quite the tightest grip on reality.  Sometimes I wonder about humanity…  Wow.

Halloween

Hi everyone, your friend and neighbor The Head here, with some Halloween tips for ya’ll.  Remember kids, always be safe, and have a super duper time!  Anyhoo, here’s a few tips from me to you!

• If you are over 12, you are too fucking old to trick or treat.  Get over it.  Unless you’re that 16 year ol- I mean that 18 year old from down the street.  You can come over.

• Do not dress up as The Joker this year.  Even if you think you have a super original idea.  Just don’t.

• Do not put razor blades in candy, I can’t stress that enough.  You’re just ruining perfectly good candy!

• If you are a hot woman, it is your RESPONSIBILITY to wear a slutty costume.  I don’t care if it’s a slutty librarian, slutty fairy, slutty cat, slutty whatever.  It is required, BY LAW, that if you are at least a 7.0 on the hotness scale, you wear one.  And then send me pictures.

• If the light is out, there ain’t no more candy.  Don’t knock on the door or ring the doorbell.  Somebody beat you to the punch, deal with it.

• Kids: say Trick or Treat.  Don’t just open your bag and grunt at me.  That’s just lazy.

• When kids say Trick or Treat, don’t make them do a trick.  You’re messing with the flow of traffic, and kids today are likely to kneecap you.

• If you want to be a vampire you dress as Dracula (or if a hot chick, slutty Dracula).  No other option is available.  If you say you’re Edward from Twilight, I am legally allowed to kick you in the nuts.

• Be aware of your surroundings.  Those guys in the bitchin ZZ Top costumes might just be Jewish.

• When making your ghost costume, be careful.  One little mistake and it could become a Klan outfit.

• Parents: Remember to always check your kids candy before they eat it!  This way you get first crack at the good stuff.

• Remember, Slutty costumes!  Email them!

• Being Halloween and all, you’ll probably see your fair share of Zombies.  Remember though, you just can’t take any chances.  Bring a shovel and bash them ALL on the head.  Better safe than ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!

• If you are thinking about a costume and at any point think: “I wonder if people’ll get it?” Abandon the idea.  People won’t.

• Always remember: Chcocolate Bar > Chips > Licorice > Candy > Gum > Raisins > lame crap that healthy people like to toss out.