Panic. The crux of things to come. What to do?

Here’s the story.  I work for a company that makes crap for cell phones and the like.  Nothing increidbly fancy, but for example, you have crap on your phone that has to do with Maxim, the NHL or Family Guy, then we had something to do with.

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible: The shit hit the fan this week, and about 1/3 of the company got laid off.  A group of 90 people went down to 60.  I was one of those that was not laid off.  They gave everyone that was laid off 8 paid weeks.

Here’s the thing:  I was in a department of 5 people (the QA department).  Of those 5, I am all that’s left (3 were laid off, the last looks like he’ll be in another department).  I am all that’s left.  Of the 5 people I am probably tightest with in the company, 4 are now gone.  I do not know what my role is supposed to be in the company now, nobody has said anything about to me.  My side of the office, where there is room/desks for 16-17 people now consists of me.

I am sick to my stomach with worry, panic and depression.  I have such a bad feeling of what’s to come it isn’t funny.  We had a company meeting to discuss these changes, and essentially we were told that the only thing that matters is “the bottom line”.

My department is gone, my friends are gone, my job is in a state of flux and my future at the company is unknown.  I am terrified and panicked.  I’m having trouble sleeping and feel like the world is crashing down on me.  I am trying to figure out if I should ask to be laid off as well, or if I should stick it out and continue on, feeling that the only thing ahead is misery.

I know what The Head would say, he would tell me to “shut the fuck up and take it like a man”, however, even though he would never admit it, The Head is not always right.

So… Like the song says, Should I stay or should I go?

Did I win or did I lose?

Like on Survivor

I have survived the big cut

But do I want to?

A Quick Poll: Was The Head Wrong???

I’ll run down a story real quick, and I want to know if I was in the wrong or not.  I’ve gotten conflicting reports here at work…

So, about a week or so ago, I drop the wife of at work.  I have a little time to kill before heading to work, so I grab a coffee and sit in the car, which is parked on the street.

Between me and the car in front of me is roughly 2 car lengths worth of space.  AKA, a ton of fucking room.

So I am sitting there, humming along with whatever was on the radio (probably that delightful Miley Cyrus), when a dude pulls up to parallel park in front of me.  However, instead of pulling beside the car in front of mine, he tries to do this almost exactly in the middle of the space.  It was a dumb ass way to park, but doable if you can fucking parallel park halfway decently.

This guy, however, could not.

He pulls in at the worst angle ever conceived and keeps backing towards my car.  Getting closer, and closer, and closer…

Now, I’m getting a little uncomfortable here, and give him a quick honk to let him know he’s too close, stop.  He turns, looks at me, and then backs into my car.

Okay, at this point I am exceptionally pissed off.  I jump out of my car and start yelling at him for being a moron, to learn how to drive, for being a moron… you get the point.

His response: “It was only a little tap.”

Newsflash asshole:  You shouldn’t be “tapping” my car at all!  Especially after I warned you that you were too close!

I yell at him a little more (mostly profanity) but, manage to mostly keep my cool.  However…

As I turn to walk away, I hear him lisp quietly (did I mention he was pretty darn flamboyantly gay?): “Fucking fatass.”

Now, okay.  I’m a big guy.  No doubt I could shed some pounds.  However, I am also a fucking giant.  This, this my friends is what we call “Not a smart fucking move.”

Now, this is the point of contention:  After saying that, I turned right back around, grabbed him by the throat, lift him up, and slammed him into his car.  Hard.  I yell at him some more (again, mostly profanity), then I toss him to the ground, get into my car, and drive off.

My feeling is that I was perfectly justified.  The guy was clearly an idiot, smacked my car (which I only realized later is cracked), is completely unapologetic, and then proceeds to insult me.

Some people at work have said that what I did was wrong (for whatever bullshit reason they had, I wasn’t really paying attention).  My question is, was I?

Just this, just this…

I’ll be the first to admit that the world kind of sucks, and life is very seldom fair.  Things often don’t make sense, and often it seems like the bad guys always win.  However, sometimes things sort of align themselves in such a way that even moments of sadness can be kind of bittersweet, when looked at in perspective.

On Thursday, the 5th of June 2008, John “Poppop” Hart left this world and embarked on a new journey.  While the passing of a loved one is always a sad event, John passed from this world surrounded by his family, and went quietly and calmly.

A lot of people are going to miss John, myself included.  But, I just want to take a moment to mention a few things that make me smile, and help me put this sad event into a sort of perspective that helps curb the sadness:

- In the almost 96 years he spent in this world, John lived those years well.  The man was about as healthy as you can get, and right up to the end was the epitome of dignified.

- He spent 70 great years with his amazing wife Lillian.  The rest of us can only dream of a love that strong and that long.

- He raised three great kids, who loved him very much.  While sad events almost exactly one year ago took one of his daughters from him, I feel that there is an odd synergy to this.  It’s almost like there is somebody there, on the other side, just waiting to give him the grand tour.

- John helped raise two amazing grandkids, being a key figure throughout their lives.  Also, John was blessed with yet another grandchild later in his life, and you could actually see the twinkle in his eye when he spoke of him.

- John was able to see his two oldest grandchildren get married and embark on their own.  He was there to see them move into houses of their own, and share laughter and memories there.

- And of course, John was able to meet his great-grandchild, a new generation of the family to make “Poppop” smile.

So yes, I’m sad that John is no longer with us.  I will miss hearing the same joke every time I see him, or talking to him about “new fangled technology” that he doesn’t quite get.  But, at the same time, I can’t help but think that this man has had a remarkable, almost story book life.  My one regret is that I never had the opportunity to know the man in his prime.  I think we would have gotten along great, sang a few songs, poured a few back, and gotten into a few scraps.

So I tell you what.  Miss the man, for the world is truly a duller place without him.  But celebrate the man too, because when somebody like this passes, you have to celebrate such a great life.  I’m not a rum man like you John, but I plan on raising a glass of scotch to you tonight and give you my thanks.

To John Hart, a man who loved life, loved his family, and was loved by everyone who’s ever met him.  We’ll miss you man!

20 Things That Piss The Head Off

Here is a random sampling of things that piss The Head off.  Some are mild irritations, others are items that may end up with my fist in your chest.

No particular order by the way…

20. Wicker furniture.  Thanks, thanks a lot…  Way to buy furniture that is guaranteed to break if I sit in it.  Was cardborad not available?  Is the sturdiness of plastic, metal or wood  too much to handle?

19. Chester Cheetah.  It ain’t easy, bein’ cheesy?  Yes, actually it is.  Get over yourself!

18. People in pretentious cars that think that just because they have a fancy car they can do whatever they fucking well please on the road.  Newsflash, you may be an asshole, but I’m a dick.  Trying to cut me off will simply result in me riding the bumper of the guy in front of me.  Trying to sneak around traffic will result in me driving down the middle of 2 lanes to block you.  Your no better than me, wait in traffic like everyone else. 

17. Bicycles.  Here’s the thing.  You want to drive around in traffic on your bike, OBEY THE DAMN TRAFFIC LAWS!  Don’t weave around my car temtping fate.  Don’t take up an entire lane and slow the cars behind you to a crawl.  Remember, if there’s an accident, I ain’t the one that’s gonna be crushed.

16. People I don’t know that think they can touch me.  Unless you are an amazingly hot woman, please do not touch me.  I don’t care what your reasoning is, touching me without my permission is a really quick way to acquire a broken arm.

15. Not sending me dirty pictures of yourself when you clearly owe me them.  Not naming anyone in particular (cough *CL* cough).  Just sayin’.

14. Boxing.  You’re a boring version of MMA.  Sorry, but the truth hurts.

13. Leprechauns.  Listen you little bastard, I want the damn pot of gold.  What?  Look over there?  I don’t see any-  DAMMIT!  I always fall for that.

12. Internet fads that I just don’t understand.  Now, this may make no sense to you (count yourself lucky if this is the case), but things like Peanut butter Jelly Time, Badgers, the kid with the really deep voice, What what in the butt, Numa Numa, etc… baffle me.  Are they supposed to be funny?

11. The fact that half the Beetles are dead and one of them isn’t Ringo.

10. Intollerance.  I can’t stand people that don’t tolerate shit!

9. People that like fast zombies.  Fast zombies suck.  What’s the point of fast zombies?  They are pretty much just like regular people… that want to eat you.  There is nothing scary about fast zombies.  All the eeriness is gone.  Slow zombies are way better.

8. People in parking lots that either have no idea how to park, or intentionally take up more than one place.  I don’t care how fancy your ride is, you don’t get to have more than 1 spot.  No, I won’t key your car.  However, what I *will* do is travel back in time and make certain your parents have herpes.

7. Will Ferrel movies where Will Ferrel is the headliner.  The dude is really funny as the comic sidekick.  But as the star?  Have you seen Bewitched?

6. No smoking in bars.  No, I don’t smoke (other than the occasional cigar), but bars are supposed to be smokey!  Without the smoke I can smell everyone’s BO, and that girl at the ened of the bar that may have been an 8 in the smokey haze is quite clearly a 6 in a smoke free environment.

5. The lack of flying cars.  I swear, every future related tv show, cartoon or movie I saw as a kid promised us flying cars by now!

4. Homeless people who hold the door open for you at banks, expecting money.  I don’t know about you, but the lowest denomination I can withdraw from a bank machine is 20$.  If this homeless guy thinks that holding a door for 3 seconds is wirth 20 dollars, then he clearly is demonstrating a lack of knowledge towards out free market economy, and I am starting to see why he is homeless.

3. The guy that hears something funny (most likely on a tv show like Family Guy or South Park) and then repeats this funny thing constantly, at every opportunity, for the next 2 weeks.  We get it.  Shut up now.

2. When people don’t understand that I don’t like bacon.  I get the most baffled looks, usually followed up by questions about me being either Jewish or Muslim.  No, I am neither, I just don’t like bacon.  Sorry.

1. Blu-Ray.  Is there a difference between Blu-Ray and DVD?  I can’t see it.  Seriously, do we really need another format?  Really? 

The Make Adam Sandler Money Project of 2008

The Agony of Painting

The Head is a reknown painter.  It’s true.  The only things he’s better known for are his awesome ability towards drinking, and his very large, very strong tongue…

Random thoughts that plague my day

• Why is the guy on the other side of the room laughing?  Does it have to do with me?  Is he laughing at me?  I must *kill* him!
• Why don’t superheroes have “bulges” in their outfits?  I mean, they’re made out of spandex, right?  Is the reason that they become crime fighters because they are compensating?
• I’m awesome.
• I kind of wish that they had done a MASH/Happy Days crossover, where  Fonzie ends saving Hawkeye and Radar by being so cool that the North Koreans can’t bring themselves to shoot them.  Then he flies back to the States on his motorcycle.
• When people cut me off in a traffic and then flip me off when I honk my horn realize that I am only a millisecond away from saying “My name is Inigo Montoya, you cut me off in traffic, prepare to die”?
• When I see an old guy down the street looking funny… kinda gray, shuffling along, seems to be moaning… I always assume that he is a Zombie.  Then I laugh at how everyone else is unprepared for the Zombie Holocaust while I have been planning for it for the past 20 years.
• My Head is bigger than yours, damn right, it’s bigger than yours…
• Why is it that as a guy I cannot stand asking for directions?  Is it genetic?  Is it an acquired trait?  Why does it kill a part of my soul to stop and ask for directions from another living being?  Also, why is it therefore perfectly fine for me to get directions from a GPS device?  Why doesn’t that electronic voice not trigger the same level of hate and loathing?

A quick grumbling…

Why is Barack Obama so popular? Have people not realized the 3 key evils about the man?

1. Look at his name! C’mon now, that’s obviously the name of a person who is friends with the wrong people. I mean, for starters, I’ve heard he is tight with that despicable n’er do well Al Kayda. Also, if you rearrange the letters in his name, and leave a few out, you come up with Bar cok bam. That sounds dirty!
2. His campaign is about change! Who wants that? Things are obviously better if left exactly as is! Change is scary. SCARY! Like when you wake up one morning, and find that the living dead are running amok and have eaten all your friends. That’s change! That’s what Barack Obama brings! Zombies!
3. He’s kind of off-white. Not quite black, not quite white… What’s up with that? Why can’t people just make up their minds? Also, you know what this means right? Vice-President The Rock. Next thing you know, the United States will be laying the Smackdown on anyone they don’t like! But will we notice or care? Of course not! Why? Because we’ll all be lost in The Rock’s dreamy eyes, and appreciative of his toned, muscular physique…

So go on, support Bar cok bam if you want. Go ahead, but just remember, when the living dead are munching on you and The Rock is romancing your daughters, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

The mystery that are Americans

The Head will admit it…  He’s a Canadian, eh.  The Head is from the great white north, enjoys cold beer, tends to be overly polite, and used to love hockey (that is a completely separate grumbling).

Now, I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking “Well Head, is there a point to the fact that you are Canadian?”  My answer?  Not really.

What?  Oh yeah…  My point really is that as a Canadian, I as a general rule tend not to think about the fact that Canadians and Americans are quite different creatures.  American culture (TV) is a constant in Canada, as are American politics (TV), news (TV), philosophy (TV), economics (TV), andpornography (30 second clips on the internet… ohhhh yeah).  So to sum up, we are surrounded by what we perceive as “Americana”.

The crux of this is that The Head recently had the opportunity to visit the United States (just outside of Boston), and has come to realize that Americans are bizarre little creatures (no insult meant by the term “little”, The Head is simply a massive head, and therefore everything seems little).  This is evidenced by a few things:

1. There is a store for *anything* you could possibly imagine.  Want to buy a crack addicted llama that can burp the alphabet?  Easy, just go to “Crazy Larry’s Crack Addicted Llama That Can Burp the Alphabet Emporium”.  How about a store that features Gay Black Republican Literature?  Easy as pie, this can be found at “Crazy Larry’s House of the Non-Existent”.  Oh, by the way, after some serious research, it appears that 38% of American stores are owned by a mentally fractured man named Larry.
2. Every 2nd person has a Southern accent.  It doesn’t seem to matter where you are (granted, my study is pretty much limited to Orlando andsome place just outside of Boston, but my estimates put the study at about 118% accurate), every second person has a Southern accent.  It gets really odd, since in a family of four, you are guaranteed that at least 2 out of the 4 will have the accent.  My research indicates that it is almost universally the father and a daughter.
3. I’m always thirsty there.  It defies all logic, but there must be some sort of air particle in the states that just makes Canadians exceptionally thirsty.  Oh, and the only thing that can cure it (briefly), is copious amounts of orange Fanta.  I believe that Americans have either become immune to this uber-thirst, or perhaps the fact is that Americans are secretly robots sent back from the future to deep fry turkeys once a year…

Now, please do not look at this like a criticism.  The Head is of the opinion that while Americans may be befuddling little creatures (remember, I’m a frickin giant!) they have a few redeeming features.  And by a few redeeming features, I actually mean one.

Really hot women.  It’s true.  Granted you have your share of fugly chicks (Ryan Seacrest), but despite those fugly chicks (Ryan Seacrest), you have some truly hot ladies there.  I’m not even talking about the Hollywood posse, I’m talking about everyday, girl next door genuine pretty women.  Now, Canada has some very hot women (well, Montreal does…), but we lack the heavy population to make it really work (Canada is realllly big, andall the hot chicks are in Montreal… do the math).  The United States, however, spreads the love around, so to speak.  Cali-for-Ni-A, for example, is a hotbed.  I know plenty of beauties there (Of all varieties too… But none better than my precious Lou), I know at least one hotty from Connecticut and living in Beantown (of course copious time in Montreal is an asset), and I know at least a handful of other beautiful ladies from a variety of States that have a Springfield in them. 

But Head, you ask, surely there must be more to your view of the United States than bizzarroness and pretty girls you ask?  You didn’t?  Well F-U.  Where was I?  Oh yeah…  Naturally.  Some of it baffles me (Nascar, Uber Republicans, grits…) but at the same time, there are things that appeal to me as well (the previously mentioned hotties, the fact that stores are open late on the weekend, and of course the copious number of donut stores).

At any rate, I’ve grumbled on long enough for one day.  Suffice it to say, The Head loves all of his American friends (well the ladies anyway, you guys suck) even though you all baffle him to the utmost.

So, as that really ugly girl of yours is fond of saying… Seacrest out.